Initial Thoughts on the Election

first... 

a TEASER:

The next 'Caught Red Handed' article is the most inflammatory and shocking yet. It will detail the sordid affairs of certain candidates and equally unsavory nature of the lamestream* campus media. It will recommend harsh, but necessary action. I wanted to get it out as soon as possible after the elections, but new information continues to come forth, delaying its release but enriching the strength of its argument. Look for it soon. 

*I learned the word 'lamestream' from Sarah Palin, how hawt is that?

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So as I prepare to dispense some well earned criticism with a healthy side of democratically vigilant scorn, I should be equally liberal (but not in the weird, bad way) with some hearty approbation.

Of course, I must first congratulate all the candidates I supported. Thank you. Thanks for running. Thanks for having the courage to bring a positive message to UBC.

For those of you that won: good going. I look forward to the work you’ll do on behalf of students. I have every confidence that you will live up to the trust UBC has placed in you. I promise to do my part, as an honest journalist, to defend you from iniquitous critics and hold you to your word. There’s nothing as sweet as being called on a campaign promise when you’ve delivered (as I’m sure you will).

For those who didn’t win: don’t take it personally. Politics is a rough racket. Abraham Lincoln lost his senate campaign even after the famous Lincoln Douglas debates. Things turned out alright for him (except the whole assassination thang). So: stay involved. Run again. (And, try not to get assassinated please). 

To all the candidates I didn’t support: (hai Gordon) thanks for a valid contribution to democracy. Even if your message was terrible (hai Rory), your decision to run furthered the democratic discourse on campus. Even if you only served to demonstrate how few students support you (hai Rory), you did important work. Tanx a bundle.

The entire elections team deserves an especially high amount of lavish praise and approbation. Their job is difficult and stressful and thankless. Well, thankless until now. Thanks guys. Though the election was hardly free from scandal, your actions were beyond reproach. You looked damn hot in those purple shirts too.

And Erik, I need to single you out for some additional, blush-inducing compliments. So, first, you’re a baus. Your level-headed reasonableness and your ability to be above-the-influence throughout the entire campaign are truly noteworthy. Your comments regarding the poorly constructed arguments that called Bijan’s private endorsements a slate were right on. Reading your quotes, even though they were published in the (ew) Ubyssey, reassured me that our electoral system was in good hands.

Oh, and the way your arms perfectly filled your purple t-shirt led me to believe you had it custom made to measure. If so, good investment, it looked sharp. If not, I guess you’re just really jacked. Either way, where do you buy your muscle milk? Can I has some?

No commentary on the elections (or UBC politics at large) would be complete without a reference to our friends at the Social Justice Center.  

When I mentioned to an SJC member their entire slate lost (hard), he responded by saying that the 10% of students that voted wasn’t reflective of genuine campus attitudes. I agreed with him. You can be sure, I told him, that all the weirdo politicos and radical activists who comprise the SJC and the other resource groups voted. In contrast, many normal, non-radical UBC students didn’t vote, because they weren’t informed enough or were just plain apathetic. Therefore, the SJC’s appallingly low support was, if anything, higher than it should have been. Higher, indeed, than it would have been had the entire campus voted. Thanks for making a valid point, member of the SJC who shan’t be named (I don’t want such a clever and honest person to be discriminated against in the notoriously judgmental SJC ranks).